11-0

The Undertaker vs. The Big Show and A-Train -- WrestleMania XIX, March 30, 2003

Taker returned to being a babyface over the summer in the midst of a feud with Jeff Hardy, and had an epic feud with Brock Lesnar which was a big step in Brock becoming the monster he became. Of course, the very next month they turned Lesnar face for a feud with Big Show, because, seriously, I mean it this time, fuck logic. (They didn't even have Russo to blame for mistakes like that anymore.)

This match was originally scheduled to be Taker and new running buddy Nathan Jones (an Aussie wrestler whose WWE gimmick was that he used to be a convict, which was an easy gimmick for Jones because...he used to be a convict) vs. Show and Train, but cooler heads realized that Taker's undefeated singles streak took precedence over squeezing a talentless lug into this match. So Jones got "attacked" earlier in the day and this was made a handicap match.

Bizarre moment: We overdub Limp Bizkit again, even though the band was ACTUALLY ON THE STAGE performing the song this year. Taker hadn't even been using that song for months, and had changed to an in-house piece with thoughtful lyrics like, "Bad asses always kick an asshole's ass." Jim Johnson always knew how to craft emotional phrases that cut right to the human soul, ya know?

Big Show is, of course, Paul Wight, the former Giant, four years into his WWF/WWE run here. Wight has always been a serviceable big man in the ring, though looking back at his WCW days, where he was phenomenally agile and hard-working, kinda makes you sad at what WWE fans have never really seen out of the big man. A-Train is the former Albert and the current Lord Tensai, who became a huge star in Japan after his WWE run ended, and will probably be again when this current run ends. Which, given how he's being booked, should be any day now.

A-Train plays with and spits on the Taker's bike before the match, drawing amazing, mega, unreal heat. Wait, sorry, I mean, no one cares. This gives Big Show an opening to attack from behind, but Taker ducks down and Show goes barrelling over the top rope. Train tries to attack, as well, but Taker easily avoids that, too. Way to establish your heels' credibility right out of the gate.

Taker quickly chokeslams Train, but Big Show pulls Taker off the resulting cover and drags him to the floor, but Taker easily ducks a blow, nails Show and dives back into the ring. So far this is the wrestling equivalent of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam trying to hunt Bugs Bunny. Big Show heads in and shoves Taker to the corner, but Taker immediately fights back with punches. Show quickly retreats and talks strategy with his partner, because when you wanna discuss how best to lay out a plan of attack, you want the advice of the guy who thinks wearing multiple piercings during a wrestling match is a wise move. Albert's advice: "Kick his ass!" I'm pretty sure Patton said the same thing to the troops before Normandy.

Big Show launches Taker to the corner, but Taker responds with blows to both guys and gets out of it. Maybe the heels should get some offense here, Dead Man? A-Train tags and finally gets some blows in. Train runs the ropes and Taker busts out a LEAP FROG followed by a hip toss. Yowsa, Dead Man, bringing the moveset. Old School rope walk nails Train, then Taker swats away at Big Show as he tries to enter, giving Train the opening to hit the Baldo Bomb on Taker. Oh, wait, I'm sorry, it's now "The Derailer." He's all locomotive-themed now, of course.

Train tosses Taker to the floor where Big Show rams him back-first to the post, then drops him on the rail. Big Show tosses him back inside, where Train gives him a slingshot into the middle rope. Cole calls this "the Decapitator." Well, that's depressingly non-train-related. How about "The Rail Tie" or something? Have some imagination, guys. Cover for two. Train rubs his forearm on Taker's face (uh...the "Dining Car?").

Tag to Show, but Taker quickly begins to fire back with shots. Whip to the corner gets reversed, but Taker hits both heels in response. Show suddenly sets up for a chokeslam, but Taker counters it into a Fujiwara armbar, typical of his incorporation of more MMAish moves into his moveset, even after he returns to being the supernatural force he once was. Hey, even zombies love UFC. Wonder why Zuffa never used that as a slogan?

Train dives in to help, but Taker cuts him off before he even hits a blow. Geez, Taker, I'm starting to feel bad for these guys. Can they get some offense, please? Taker applies a cross arm breaker, but that leaves him wide open for a huge legdrop from Show, and now it's time for a heat segment. Maybe. I'll believe it when I see it.

Couple of big headbutts by Show, which Taker sells like he is a Weeble -- he wobbles, but doesn't fall down. Then, an...abdominal stretch? By Big Show?! Show even grabs Albert's arm to give it the full old school heel tag team effect. Show tags Train in, then HE slaps on an abdominal stretch, too. I guess Bob Backlund was giving a seminar in the back and they both really, really liked that hold. Taker struggles for a bit until he nails Train in the face and...slaps on an abdominal stretch of his own. Or maybe there was a bet -- what's the most ancient move we try to get over in this match? Whoever put money against them, they won.

Train pokes Taker in the eye (The "Railroad Spike?") to get out of it, but Taker hits a back suplex, which Cole bizarrely calls a "gut wrench." Maybe he's referring to his commentary. Taker runs the ropes but Show nails him from behind, then a big Train clothesline (The "Northbound Route") gets two. Show starts jawing at Taker, then nails a slap and a few punches on the ground. Taker, still prone, begins to fire back, then punches in bunches. A reversed whip leads to a huge jumping DDT by Taker, but Show breaks up the pin.

Taker begins pounding on Show in response, then a bunch of running cross-corner clotheslines on both guys. Taker teases a chokeslam on Big Show, but Train breaks it up by hitting the devastating Running Chin Attack onto the Undertaker's Boot. (The "We Forgot to Hook Up the Caboose.") Show gets back on the attack, but Taker hits the flying clothesline in response. Train hits the bicycle kick (The "Ticket to Deride") on the Dead Man, and then Show chokeslams Taker.

Instead of going for the cover, Show takes the odd tactic of jawing at the ref and then heading to the floor and running up the aisle, because Nathan Jones is coming to the ring. Of course, he got way to late a start to interrupt the pin or anything, but Show is clearly way too easily distracted, so it worked anyway. Big kick to the head by Jones sends Show sprawling. Train covers Taker for the belated two.

Jones gets into the ring and big boots Train after a reversed Taker whip, which garners no DQ because the referee clearly has no idea what the hell he's doing. Taker muscles Train up for the Tombstone, 1-2-3. If memory serves, this was Jones' first and last WWE PPV appearance, which should tell you something. Anyway, this was a perfectly entertaining handicap match, and subtracting Jones from it was really for the best anyway.