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The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs Diesel - WrestleMania XII, March 31, 1996

We're in Anaheim, CA for this one, with a match that had been built for months. Diesel (Kevin Nash, naturally) had been WWF champ for a year, then immediately turned on new champ Bret Hart after losing the title. The idea was to get his character back to the bad ass he had gotten over being, making him not quite face and not quite heel -- yet another example of WWF trying to create an anti-hero pre-Austin. What WWF will never say is that the idea of the "bad guy babyface" is hardly something they pioneered -- a quick glance at wrestling history shows a slew of rough and tumble characters who became major babyfaces. Look up Dick the Bruiser sometime -- he was Austin years before Austin was Austin.

Anyway, Diesel and the Taker first faced off in December, with each costing the other a title match with Bret Hart in the months leading up to this. It was obvious a WrestleMania match was the goal, and there was uncertainty over who would win, since both guys were mega top draws for the WWF. Then, news came out that Nash had signed a deal with WCW and would be leaving in May. And any suspense about this match's outcome, rightly, went flying out the window.

Diesel's demeanor post-turn was one of eternal cockiness, an "I'm too cool for this arena" swagger that is symbolized by his loud "I'm the shit, I'm telling ya!" he yells as he climbs the steps into the ring (which gets muted on this release, naturally). Then again, the "tweener" run had already pretty much mutated into a full-on heel turn by this point -- they'd even done an angle where Nash beat up Shawn Michaels at MSG to set up one last HBK/Diesel match at the PPV right after Mania. Never let it be said that Kevin Nash doesn't have a natural charisma and interview ability that makes him a genuine star. Let it also never be said that he's anything but the most average of workers in the ring on his best day.

Paul has the Urn back at this point, as the Million Dollar Team storyline was finally resolved and after a brief side feud with King Mabel (um, ugh), the Urn was apparently melted back into a shape that was more reasonably sized and urn-like. Makes you wonder what happened to all the extra metal that was in the Big Ass Urn. Recycled, maybe? Some underprivileged kid is playing a trombone that was once the receptacle for the Undertaker's power, I betcha. I have just plotted WWE's next straight-to-video horror flick.

Anyway, we waste no time as Diesel and Taker tear right into each other at the opening bell. Tattoo Update: Both arms are sleeved now, though the elbow pad he now sports on his left arm obscures it a bit. Diesel whips Taker to a buckle and charges in with a huge running clothesline. And yes, I said "running" referring to Kevin Nash and it wasn't ironic -- this was back in the day where the dude could actually still move if he wanted to. Elbow in the corner precedes another whip and charge, but this time Taker stops him with a big boot. Clothesline sends him down.

Taker drops a massive elbow that Diesel easily moves away from, then a big clothesline sends Taker to the floor where he -- gasp! -- lands on his feet and drags Diesel out. It's weird -- they're actually going at a hell of a pace here and the crowd is amazingly quiet. To be fair, the middle portion of Mania XII was a pretty lousy show, so they may just be out of it, and they still had over an hour of wrestling to come, as the Iron Man Match with Bret and Shawn was later. (For the uninitiated, no it had nothing to do with wearing a suit of armor or Gwyneth Paltrow in short shorts, sad to say.)

On the floor, Taker hits Diesel with a buncha shots to the midsection, but Diesel fires back and we do the "I'm gonna hold your head and you are powerless to do anything but follow along" bit until Diesel tries to toss Taker to the steps, but Taker blocks and tosses Diesel in instead. That's a quintessential example of dramatic irony, right there. Scholarly papers could be written about Diesel and the Undertaker's WrestleMania steps exchange.

Back inside, Diesel catches Taker with a punt to the ribs, then whips him into a supposed back body drop, but Diesel barely even bothers to bend down, so the whole world knows Taker's gonna counter it with something awesome and cool and awesomely cool. And it's...a punch. Okay, not so awesome. Or cool. It didn't deserve a trophy. It didn't even deserve a pizza. Maybe a pizza trophy. Taker goes for the Tombstone, but come on, we're only three minutes in, so Diesel slips out and Taker runs the ropes to hit a cross body (!) for two. Whoa, Dead Man bringing the moveset!

Taker does the rope walk on Diesel, then goes for the flying clothesline but Diesel ducks out of the way and Taker lands awkwardly on the apron. That actually looked pretty ouch -- Diesel ducked so close to the ropes Taker didn't really have enough room to land. Diesel grabs Taker from inside with a big grin on his face, so of course Taker drops his neck across the top rope to retake control. Back inside, a couple shots send Diesel back to the floor, and Taker heads out to shove him to the ringpost. Taker snatches a chair from the Spanish announcers (who had yet to become the crash-test dummies of the WWF commentary team), but Diesel ducks the incoming shot.

Diesel tosses Taker to the guardrail, then sends Taker to the post a few times himself. Now that Nash is definitively on offense, we have successfully slowed the match down to traditional Kevin Nash Speed, which for the uninitiated means no more than ONE (1) offensive move per minute, a pace stipulated by the International Kevin Nash Awards Committee, member FDIC, all rights reserved. Any more offense just wouldn't be cool.

Taker finally gets back in the ring, where Diesel whips him to the ropes and hits the big boot, then parades around in triumph. Taker stands up, Diesel elbows him back down, struts again. We get it, you're good at most things, wanna wrestle already, Kev? Taker back up, a few more elbows send him back down. "Rest in Peace" chant breaks out, and I still love that we got THAT over as a chant to rile up a babyface. Sidewalk slam by Diesel, and who had 7 minutes in the "How long it will take for Kevin Nash to execute an actual wrestling move in this match" pool? You win! Cover for two.

Diesel picks up Taker for Snake Eyes to the corner, then a running Boss Man Sit on the ropes. Whoa, slow down there, Kev, you've already exhausted half your move set, and your heat segment isn't anywhere near over yet. Knees and punches in the corner by Diesel, then a cross corner whip, but Taker catches him with an elbow on the way in. Both guys hit each other with a punch at the same time, then to one-up that spot, they hit a simultaneous big boot. Very cool looking moment.

Referee counts them both down until Taker sits up, but Diesel is up first and nails Taker from behind, whips him to the corner and then...oh, dear god, it's a bear hug spot, the last refuge of the lazy big man. Taker stays in the hold as we try to wait for the crowd to cheer him to break it, but holy cow is it slow going to get them there. Finally Taker says the hell with it and claps his way out. Diesel immediately locks on a side headlock, a move so out of place that it's no surprise that Taker does a side suplex to get out of it.

Taker up and drops an elbow, then up top for a flying clothesline for two. Taker whips Diesel and tries for his own back body drop, which is even more out of place, so of course Diesel hits him and nails the Jackknife. Diesel, being Diesel, decides to strut and pose instead of cover, and even goads the Taker into standing up so he can hit the move again. More posing by Diesel, almost making a complete mockery of the match in the process. It wouldn't be the last time Nash would do that.

Diesel, after about forever, finally tries to cover...and Taker reaches up and grabs him by the throat. Diesel pounds him down, Taker reaches right back up. Second verse, same as the first. Finally, Taker rises up while still gripping Diesel's throat, but Nash pushes off and gives Taker...a side suplex of his own? Holy cow, Nash learned a new move! Alert the media! Nash poses (of course) to celebrate, so (of course) he completely misses the Taker sitting up and stalking him from behind.

Nash turns and knees Taker in the gut, but Taker quickly responds this time. Irish whip and Taker hits the flying clothesline. Big chokeslam, Taker slides his thumb across his throat, and then boom, it's Tombstone time. 1-2-3. Nash had that one more WWE PPV match with Michaels before heading to WCW to revolutionize the industry. And still, as a wrestler, he sucked the whole time. Gotta applaud the man's lack of dedication. Anyway, this one started out fast but once Nash took over it was pretty dull. At least with historical hindsight, the right guy definitely won.