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The Undertaker vs. Kane (w/ Paul Bearer) -- WrestleMania XIV, March 29, 1998

　

So the Taker has spent the year being tormented by his now-former manager Paul Bearer, who revealed a tale of the Undertaker starting a fire as a kid that killed his parents and his brother, Kane. Taker sez nuh-uh, I didn't set no fire. Paul sez uh-huh. Taker sez nuh-uh. Paul sez uh-huh, 'cuz Kane told me. Taker sez WHAAAA??? And Paul sez, Yeah, beeotch, Kane's alive. Taker sez nuh-uh. Paul says uh-huh. Taker sez nuh-uh. And Kane sez uh-huh. And Taker sez, Oh, snap.

Now, those of you who were watching in this era know that it didn't go down in exactly those words...but basically that's the gist of it. So now Kane's around and wants to fight the Taker. Taker sez nuh-uh. Kane sez...okay, okay, we'll skip to the Royal Rumble, where Kane costs his brother the WWF Title (in a match that buggered up Shawn Michaels' back for four years), then tosses him in a casket and sets it on fire. So, yeah, after that, you better damn believe Taker said uh-huh to a match at Mania.

Kane would finally be the gimmick that clicked for Glen Jacobs, a big man who had been tooling around the indies for a while before getting signed by the WWF in 1995 and made into...an evil dentist. Ugh. The dentist's name? Issac Yankem. Double ugh. From DECAYtur, Illinois. TRIPLE ugh. After that died its rightful death, Jacobs was brought back in last 1996 as...the "New Diesel." INFINITY UGH.

Tragically, this DVD release cuts off Kane's entrance and his Tombstone on Pete Rose, one of the highlights of that year's Mania. Taker gets one of the most epic entrances ever, which is ALSO edited on this release: He's preceeded by the now-traditional druids carrying torches, but on the original show they played "O Fortuna," the single most kick-ass song of all time, which they overdub with the way less awesome "Undertaker Druid Chant #1" here. Boo-urns.

Staredown center ring to start, and underscoring how far he's been pushed, Taker throws the first blows. Punches and kicks drive Kane to the corner, pretty much the first he's sold in his entire WWF career. Well, as Kane, anyway, though Jacobs hadn't really done much of what you'd call "selling" as Yankem or Diesel, either. Kane catches Taker coming in and does a big toss to the corner to emphasize his strength. Taker avoids a shot and fires back, then a cross-corner whip gets reversed but Kane eats boot. Weird -- the match is actually moving at a good clip so far, and the crowd is surprisingly quiet.

Taker grabs the arm, maybe for the rope walk, but Kane clotheslines him down to stop it. Taker sits up immediately like it ain't no thang. More kicks and punches by Taker, then a whip gets reversed and Kane catches Taker. He looks for all the world like he's going for the Tombstone, but decides to try to hang Taker in the tree of woe, instead. Um, if Taker was, like, a foot shorter, MAYBE it'd work. All that ends up happening is Taker's lying with his shoulders on the mat and his feet in the air, like he's Martin Short in the relaxation position from "Innerspace." (Triple Nerd Reference Bonus!)

Kane, realizing this ain't working, just stomps on Taker in the corner, does some old school Taker scaring-of-the-ref, then chokes Taker down. Kane hits a few punches on Taker, then a couple of big cross corner whips which Taker sells like he's Bret Hart times two. Kane follows with a rather meager clothesline, then a few blows in the corner as Paul Bearer rants at Taker. Kane drapes Taker over the top rope, then heads up top for a fist drop which sends the Dead Man outside. Crowd still isn't reacting much.

Taker slides back in for more punches from Kane. Jacobs' offense isn't really carrying this heat segment, you gotta say. Taker fires back with a few meager kicks, but Kane easily regains control with some knees. Taker gets whipped and suddenly he leaps to Kane's shoulders in victory roll position, which is a remarkable feat of agility for a man that size. Holy crap, dude. What makes it all the weirder is how pointless it turns out to be: Kane just sloppily drops him down.

Taker rolls outside and now is da time on Sprockets where we brawl on da floor! Kane drops him on the rail, tosses him to the steps and then drops the steps on top of him. Well, okay, calling this a "brawl" is misleading. More like a "let's see if we can pop the crowd with weapons shots" segment. (Nuh-uh.) More steps shots from Kane as Paul distracts the ref. I guess the sheer volume and pitch of Paul's voice is blocking the loud crashing sounds of Kane bashing Taker with the steps. You know what? I can believe that.

Kane rolls back in and now it's Paul's turn, hitting Taker with a "forearm" and a couple of "kicks." You weren't made to hit offense, Percy. Kane suplexes the Taker back in. Lawler takes the time to go over the whole storyline between Kane, Paul and Taker, which he sounds very sincere in doing, but it just underscores how ludicrous the whole thing is. So, Paul raised Kane in a cellar or something for years while he just happened to be tapped by Brother Love to manage Taker? And that's not even getting into the revelation a month after this that Paul is Kane's father. (Don't ask.) (Seriously.) (Just don't.)

Kane lands a few blows on Taker in the corner while Taker tries to cover up. Kane whips him across the ring and Taker responds by hitting Kane with what can only be called a slightly walking clothesline. Taker runs the ropes and ducks a few blows before getting caught in a chokeslam. Kane covers for two...and pulls him up. With the benefit of hindsight, maybe that wasn't the brightest idea. But at the time, Ed's little plan seemed like the solution to all our problems. And the answer to all our prayers. (Raising Arizona FTW.)

Kane slaps on a chinlock. So, wait, Kane, you picked him up from a pin just so you can slap a resthold on him? I'm not totally wowed by your strategy here, dude. If you had pinned him, you could have rested all you want. In the locker room. They have bottled water and carrot sticks and everything. I mean, I know being raised in the cellar of a mortuary or wherever, maybe you didn't garner access to a ton of advanced wrestling strategy, but surely Poppa Paul tossed a tape or two down there while you were chained to the wall. Waaaaiiiiit a minute....holy shit. You guys. Kane is Sloth! Why'd I never see it before? All Taker has to do is offer him a Baby Ruth, and the feud's over.

We spend a long, long time in the chinlock until finally Taker starts hammering away at Kane with shots to break the hold -- and then Kane just clotheslines him down to retake control, because boy howdy, the crowd was almost back into it, need to stop that. Kane drops an elbow and...back to the chinlock. Okay, dudes? You rested enough and did maybe two moves. I really can't see how you need to rest again that quickly. Maybe Kane just needs a minute to remember how Poppa Paul used to sing him "Rock-a-Bye Baby." He only dropped Kane once! Maybe twice!

We stay in the hold a long time again, then they stand and Taker kinda-sorta-not really drops Kane nuts first on the top rope. Kane gets on the apron for a few Taker punches and then a big boot sends him to the floor...and then Taker busts out the HOLY SHIT NO HANDS PLANCHA that has also basically become a Mania tradition. As has the fact that he almost never actually hits it. Kane casually sidesteps and Taker crashes and burns through the Spanish announce table, and whoever had "The Undertaker" on their "¿Que Rompe La Tabla?" scratch card, congrats! You win a year's supply of Turtle Wax and a case of Rice-a-Roni. Yes, Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat. (Ding ding!)

Kane tosses a piece of the table on Taker, which is just gratuitous, man, then heads back in to let Taker recover. I'm not sure I agree with your wrestling there, Lou. Kane waits until Taker is back on his feet, then, heads out to toss him back in. You coulda done that a minute ago, dude, and you'd be in way better position. I'm beginning to think it's almost like this match is fixed.

Kane heads up for his top rope clothesline, which Jim Ross labels as "exactly like his brother!" Uh, no Jim, Taker does the move with grace and coordination, Kane always looks like he's doing a half cannonball into a pool and there just happens to be a guy in the way. Kane covers for two and this time Taker gets the shoulder up. Kane again starts pounding on Taker, Taker covers up until it becomes a slugfest. Taker whip gets reversed, Taker ducks a clothesline and then tries to pick up Kane for a Tombstone...which Kane reverses into one of his own. That looked pretty damn scary, as Kane really didn't have Taker in a good position for the move. Taker, of course, kicks out at two.

Kane tosses Taker into a corner and pounds away until another slugfest gets going, which Taker finally wins. Clothesline by Taker finally knocks Kane down. Kane blocks a big boot but soon finds himself chokeslammed. Taker slits his throat with his thumb and indeed hits the Tombstone (which frankly doesn't look much safer than Kane's version)...for two. The crowd is pretty stunned.

Taker stays on offense and drops a leg, then Tombstones Kane again...for two. Taker heads up to show Kane how a top rope clothesline is supposed to be done, then hits a third Tombstone and finally gets the pin (barely) by hooking Kane's leg instead of doing the old crossing-his-arms trick. Gotta say, this is a textbook demonstration of how to protect a monster heel even while giving the face a clean win.

Paul brings a chair into the ring post-match and "kicks" some more on the downed Taker, who proceeds to get up and slug him in response. Kane, meanwhile, grabs the chair, nails Taker in the back, then gives him the Tombstone on the chair. Woulda had more impact if Taker had done the stretcher job, but he just gets up and walks out. Anyway, the match really isn't bad from a work standpoint, but it's mainly Taker selling all over the place for Kane, who was still growing into his role, and the crowd was dead until it picked up at the end.

Sloth love Chunk!