6-0

The Undertaker vs. Sycho Sid (WWF Champion) (WWF Title Match, No Disqualifications) - WrestleMania 13, March 23, 1997

Ah, Sid. Sid, Sid, Sid. Never before has one man sucked so much, so often, in front of so many, and been so successful. This is a different animal than Gonzalez or any number of talentless big men who got a push that never went anywhere. Sid Eudy actually managed to become one of the biggest names of his era in wrestling despite having not one shred of talent in the ring. Even his promos -- which were considered good at the time -- seem laughable nowadays. But still, the man got plenty of chances in every company in the world. Hell, even the jaded ECW fans went wild for the guy when he made a stop there in early 1999. My only explanation is mass hypnosis. Sid has some mystical power that he asserts over wrestling crowds which makes them think he's actually got charisma or an arsenal that consists of more than three moves.

Anyway, Taker had split from Paul Bearer in the summer of '96, in the midst of his brutal feud with Mankind. This is Taker's first Mania main event, and first real title shot in years, and most everyone figured it was his turn with the belt. He comes out in his old gear, grey boots and gloves, which serves both as a nice nod to his history and as a subterfuge to hide some nasty bruises, as news reports at the time stated that Taker had gotten into a minor car accident the night before the match. So we have an injured Dead Man and Suck-o Sid in our Mania title match, and guess what? They somehow pull out an all-time classic. ... ... ... Naw, I'm shittin' ya, it sucks.

Someone in the crowd has a big paper set of scissors with "SID" and "ARN" written on them, and if you don't know what nasty piece of business THAT's referring to, Google it and marvel at how this guy somehow had a career in wrestling for nearly a decade after that. It took a broken leg to rid us of Sid. Jim Ross notes that the Undertaker has never lost at WrestleMania, which may be the first time someone ever mentioned the streak, even obliquely. Shawn Michaels, still scanning the classified ads for that missing smile, is sitting in on commentary after his "career-ending knee injury" which would last until, oh, about a month after this show.

Sid and Taker have a staredown...which is interrupted by the arrival of Bret Hart, freshly heel turned after his classic war with Steve Austin earlier in the night, in what may have been the greatest Mania match ever. First, he threatens Shawn at commentary about his "pussyfoot" injury, which Shawn acts all ironically scared of. Gee, I wonder if there's any bad blood there, at all. Then he whines at Taker and Sid about how they've wronged him. This whole thing was a year-long storyline about how the WWF had turned against Bret and everyone was screwing him over. Is it any wonder why so many still wanna believe the Montreal screwjob was a work? The inmates were completely running the asylum at this point.

Sid finally gets fed up with Bret, clobbers and powerbombs him. Sid taunts Bret on the mike as officials carry Bret out, while Shawn laughs on commentary the whole time, mocking Bret at every turn. I'm glad Shawn has turned his life around and become way more professional in the years after his first real retirement, because holy cow was he a manipulative twerp back then. I mean, one of the greatest wrestlers ever, but still an ass.

Taker finally attacks from behind (weird tactic for a top babyface, but we're starting to get ATTITUDE, so faces can do that) to start the match. Punches and headbutts in the corner, then a cross whip gets reversed by Sid, but he eats a boot on the way in. Toss to the corner and more punches, followed by a Stinger Splash by the Dead Man. Shawn notes how the Undertaker has gotten screwed more than anybody, but he never complains. Yep, you're right, Shawnie. Maybe you could learn a thing or two about professionalism yourself, eh, Mr. I've-Come-Down-With-A-Terrible-Case-of-I-Can't-Job-to-Bret-Hart-itis?

Slam by Taker for 2, then it's time for the rope walk, but when Taker tries another Stinger Splash, Sid catches him in...a bear hug? Sid, dude, you're pulling out the last refuge of the lazy big man in the first minute of the match? Let alone the first minute of the WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT? Seriously, did you have pictures of Stephanie or something? How did you get this job? I mean, Shawn was an unprofessional shit, but he was a wizard in the ring. You, on the other hand, were more Mr. Dursley.

So Sid bearhugs the Taker for about five years, then releases him to nail Taker in the back a couple times and...goes right back into the bearhug. Whoa! Sid, showing the moveset! Okay, we'll be totally fair -- Taker's injured, maybe they can't do much. But holy cow is this out of place as a headline match at the biggest show of the year. Sid again releases the hold, nails Taker in the back a couple times and...goes...back...into...wait, didn't I just WATCH that sequence? Is my DVD skipping or is Sid a Reel Steel-esque wrestling android set on repeat?

Taker FINALLY claps his way out and hits the ropes, but Sid nails a big boot and clotheslines Taker out. Well, okay "clotheslines" is a strong word. More like walks up and gently nudges him, which Taker sells by dramatically tumbling to the floor and landing on his feet. Taker tries to drag Sid to the floor, but Sid kicks off and sends Taker tumbling over the Spanish announce table. For those of you familiar with WWF history and are asking, "The Spanish table is still standing this late in a show?", relax -- it was the French announcers who got it earlier in the night, so the Spanish got a one show reprieve.

Sid tosses Taker to the guardrail a couple times, then slams Taker on the Spanish table, which, knowing its union rights, stubbornly refuses to break. Good on you, Spanish table! The French table was already sacrificed, you don't need to go down! Fight the power! ATTICA! ATTICA! Oh, wait, I mean, IKEA! IKEA! It's around this time that Vince casually mentions that this is a no-DQ match. That's usually the kind of stip you hype before the show, you know. Call me crazy, but I don't think announcing a stip during the main event will add any PPV buys. Maybe there are some psychic wrestling fans who will suddenly become aware that Sid/Taker is No DQ and buy Mania with 20 minutes to go, but that has to be a minor demographic.

Sid "rams" the Taker back first to the post (moves in quotes are incidents of Sid performing, at best, vague suggestions of what he's pretending to be doing), then back in the ring Sid covers him for two. Taker tries to mount a comeback, but that might get the crowd into the match, so Sid cuts that off quickly. Sid applies a Camel Clutch, because that furious offense demands that he get a chance to relax in another rest hold. I'll give the man this -- Sid's Camel Clutch looks way better than Scott Steiner's version. Take note: The previous sentence is the only time in history where someone will say that something Sid did was better than Scott Steiner doing the same thing. I have made literary history. I bow and thank you.

Sid sits down on Taker's back, then ascends to the second rope. In 2001, he broke his leg attempting this same move in one of the nastiest injuries in wrestling history. Sadly, this time he hits a double axehandle without incident. I sneak a look at my time counter and, good lord, this match isn't even half over. Taker hits a few blows to finally try and begin some offense, but Sid hits a "powerslam" for two. And two. And two. Um, dude, he ain't staying down. Just letting you know.

Sid hits a leg drop for two and holy shit, that move didn't look half bad. Ten minutes in and Sid finally hits something that actually looked well executed. Were the Mayans right? Sid "chokes" Taker in the corner, which consists of Sid lightly putting his hands in the vague vicinity of the Taker's neck and making gruesome faces. Sid whips Taker who hits the flying clothesline in response, and dear god, Dead Man, please get on offense here. Sid's up first and kicks Taker. JESUS, MARY AND JOSEPH CHRIST, ENOUGH WITH THE SID HEAT SEGMENT.

Taker finally begins to fight back with a few headbutts to the gut (that's, uh, different), then he tosses Sid to the floor. Taker throws Sid over the guardrail, then we get a slugfest halfway in the crowd before Taker drags Sid back in again. No real crowd brawling, god forbid we do anything that might make people cheer or anything. Taker tosses Sid into the steps, where Sid "hits" "hard." Back inside, Taker hits the ropes awkwardly (if he was Scott "Jagged" Parker, he woulda yelled out "D'oh, I missed it!") and misses an elbow. Fuck a duck, that means Sid's back on offense again, doesn't it? Yep, time for a...""chinlock."" (This one is so poorly executed it gets two sets of quotes.)

Sid keeps the Taker in this devastating ""hold"" for roughly nine years or so, as two presidential elections, three Olympic games and the entire run of the series "Friends" occur in the interim. Fans begin scavenging for food, a heirarchy forms and a new society builds at the Rosemont Arena in Chicago. And all the while, Sid still keeps the ""hold"" on, waiting to get his breath back.

The match finally picks up again (just in time for WrestleMania 22) as Taker finally says "the hell with this" and sits up, clobbering Sid in the midsection and face with fast body shots. Sid rakes Taker's eyes, and "hits" the ropes, "running" toward the Taker who calmly powerslams him for two. And now the TAKER slaps on a rest hold. Holy geez, dudes, it's the freaking Mania main event and we've had four restholds here.

Sid sits up, hits a couple "blows" and whips Taker for a big boot, but Taker catches it and clotheslines him down for two. Taker whips Sid into the same Double-Big-Boot spot from last year and both guys are down and out. We lay around again for a minute (WrestleMania, baby, only $34.95) until Sid covers Taker for 2. Sid heads up to the second rope AGAIN, and AGAIN hits a double axe handle. You know, usually when I say "only has three moves" about a guy I'm exaggerating for comedic effect. And Sid heads up **AGAIN** to the second, but at least this tine he "hits" a "flying" ""clothesline"" instead for two.

Sid decides to head up to the second rope for the 347th time (or fourth, I've lost count), but this time, finally Taker hits him coming down. Kicks and elbows from the Taker, but Sid AGAIN cuts off Taker's heat segment with a face rake and a slam. Who the hell gave an injured Taker and SID FREAKING EUDY 25 minutes, then decided most of the match should be Sid on offense? Now Sid heads up to the TOP rope, and in this match, I'm just grateful for the variety, but Taker does the Zombie Sit Up and catches him up there, finally slamming him to the canvas. Please, a Taker heat segment. Please. PLEASE.

Taker heads up to show Sid how the hell you're supposed to do a flying clothesline for two. Taker looks beat as he gets up and signals for the Tombstone. He sets Sid up, but Sid reverses it into his own "Tombstone" for two. Sid tosses Taker to the floor, because once you've started doing the other guy's finisher, it's the perfect time to start doing mid-match transitional spots. Sid and Taker brawl out there for a while, until...Bret Hart comes back to pound on Sid with a chair. What the freaking hell, dudes? Sid's clearly the heel in this match, Bret just turned heel, and now you're just confusing the audience.

Officials drag Bret away as Taker rams Sid back first to the post, then back inside Taker hits the chokeslam for two. Taker irish whip is reversed, and Taker misses a flying clothesline that he tries to execute almost comically late. Ye gods, after all that, Sid is BACK IN CONTROL. Sid sets up for the powerbomb, but here comes Bret Hart AGAIN onto the apron. Sid goes after him, but Bret drops him throat first on the top rope, and Taker sneaks up from behind to deliver the Tombstone for the pin and his second WWF Title reign. Holy crap on a popsicle stick, this was one of those perfect storms where EVERYTHING went wrong: Sid sucking, Taker hurt, Michaels stealing spotlight on commentary, overuse of Bret, overbooked and confusing, bad finish that totally undermined the guy who was winning the title and protected a champion who had only one more WWF PPV appearance after this. In short -- yeah, this is the worst match of the streak, right here.