8-0

The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. The Big Boss Man (Hell in a Cell Match) -- WrestleMania XV, March 28, 1999


Oh, what a difference a year makes. Just a Mania ago, the Undertaker was a babyface teaching his upstart villainous brother a lesson and being opposed vehemently by his former manager. Then Taker and Kane reconciled long enough for them both to win the WWF Title, then Paul Bearer turned on Kane and rejoined the Undertaker, who then got buried by Steve Austin in a match and returned as the leader of a cult called the "Ministry of Darkness," but really now we're saying he's just a guy who has "gone too far into his character" because he's not really The Undertaker, except for the part where he's Kane's brother 'cuz that's totally real and now the Ministry is feuding with Vince McMahon's "Corporation" crew because why not and that makes the evil Ministry the de facto babyfaces JESUS CHRIST DOES RUSSO SUCK EGGS THROUGH A STRAW.

Anyway, this is the big WrestleMania contest between the Ministry and the Corporation. and what a horrible idea for a match. First of all, Boss Man is hardly a credible opponent for the Taker, as he's nowhere near over enough to be in the semi-main event slot on a Mania. Second, the whole Ministry/McMahon feud was so convoluted and absurd that no fan knew who the hell they were supposed to be rooting for. The announcers at this point were trying to sell the Ministry as the faces, but it just wasn't working, and by the next month's PPV we'd totally reverse course and make MCMAHON the babyface, then it turned out that McMahon was the guy behind the Ministry all along, because, seriously, fuck logic.

And three, putting these guys in Hell in a Cell just gave them an insurmountable task. The first two matches (Taker vs. Shawn and Taker vs. Foley) were all-time classics, and there was simply NO way Taker vs. Boss Man could live up to that. Just a straight-up singles match might have still sucked, but at least it wouldn't have that legacy hanging over it like the sword of Damocles.

Taker had his second theme song here, a somewhat rockin' guitar riff that I actually liked quite a bit (even if it sounded like evil Christmas music), made "heelish" by adding Taker chanting in Wiccan or something and "Accept the Lord of Darkness as your savior" soundbites. He comes out in a cape with big, spiky shoulder pads that he stole from Shredder's winter wardrobe.

Boss Man ducks an early lunge by Taker to start, then rifles blows at Taker's face in the corner. Taker tosses Boss Man to the corner and fires rapid blows in response. The crowd, killed by a lousy Mania and utterly confused by the storyline, couldn't care less. Irish whip by Taker, but he catches an elbow by Boss Man, then clotheslines Boss Man down anyway. Cover for two.

More punches and kicks by the Taker, but Boss Man counters a whip with a neckbreaker. Boss Man gets two. Boss Man jaw jacks at Taker for a bit, and Taker does the zombie sit up to NO reaction, and that's gotta be a first. Boss Man boots him down. Boss Man yells at him some more, another sit up, but this time Taker catches the boot and takes Boss Man down to hammer him on the mat.

Boss Man slips to the floor and grabs Taker's legs. Taker kicks Boss Man, who proceeds to take the weakest bump into a cage in wrestling history. The Angry Video Game Nerd took more impressive blows fighting the Klingon in the "Star Trek" episode. Taker follows to the floor to shove him into the cage again, then again in a bump that somehow outdoes the first bump he took for sheer lameness. Bravo, Ray, well played.

Boss Man reverses a whip to send Taker to the cage as Michael Cole informs us of the dangers of Hell in a Cell: "You can get a finger caught in there!" Even Lawler has to point out how ridiculous that potential hazard seems, on balance. "After what we saw Mick Foley go through, you're worried about getting a finger caught in there?" Boss Man produces a set of handcuffs and proceeds to cuff the Taker to the cell, then fetches his nightstick and wails on Taker with blows. The crowd is deep in a game of "whoever reacts first loses," and so far everyone's still playing.

The Taker falls from Boss Man's blows, which snaps the cuffs apart, because Boss Man apparently shops at whatever the Law Enforcement Supply House equivalent is of Big Lots. Boss Man continues to beat on Taker, who is bleeding. Well, okay, "bleeding" is a bit of an overstatement. I got more juice from my last hangnail than Taker is sporting here. More blows from the nightstick, then Boss Man rolls in to break the count in a match where there are no countouts. Sure. Why not.

Boss Man heads back out in time to get choked and tossed into the cell a couple times, as Cole keeps bringing up the past cell matches, which at this point is doing this match NO favors. Taker grabs a chair from under the ring and waylays Boss Man in the back with it. Still no reaction. Maybe the crowd is all busy tweeting about how awesome this is on their smartphones. Granted, this is seven years before either Twitter or smartphones existed. Just shows how ahead of their time this Philly crowd was.

Taker heads in to execute a devastating stand-around-a-bit maneuver, then back out to give Boss Man a snake eyes into the cell. That gives Boss Man an excuse to blade as well, and his effort makes the Undertaker's blade job look positively heroic in comparison. A few blows by Taker and back in we go, and holy shit, the crowd is actually booing them. Yowsa.

Boss Man with the ol' thumb to the eye and a whip, but Taker hits the flying clothesline in response. Taker with the rope walk, but Boss Man kicks Taker's leg and he crotches himself on the top rope, drawing the first reaction of any kind from the crowd, though it's still almost nothing. Boss Man hits Taker on the apron, and Taker takes a huge bump into the cage in response, an admirable effort given how there is absolutely no way to salvage the match now. Even the announcers are reminding us how The Rock vs. Stone Cold is next, as if trying to keep viewers from tuning out. During a PAY PER VIEW. Oy.

Back into the ring we go, and a slugfest gets going, eventually won by the Boss Man. Taker slumps to his knees and nails Boss Man in the nuts, because why shouldn't the monster heel/babyface/tweener take a shortcut in a match where he so clearly outranks his opponent in the pecking order? Crowd boos intensify. Taker goes for the Tombstone but Boss Man slips out and tries to get back on offense, but a whip is reversed and Taker gets the Tombstone for three.

Thankfully, the DVD cuts out the match's disgusting and idiotic aftermath, where the Brood flies down from the rafters and drops a NOOSE in, Taker puts it around Boss Man's neck and Bearer raises the cage, hanging the Boss Man and apparently killing him, live on pay per view. Then we cut away to a commercial or something, and when we come back, no one says anything about Boss Man or the fact that we apparently just had a murder at WrestleMania. Oh, and Boss Man shows up alive and well about a week later. And, of course, it turned out that Taker and McMahon (and, presumably, Boss Man) were in cahoots the whole time, because JESUS CHRIST RUSSO SUCKS EGGS THROUGH A STRAW.

Here's the weird thing: All I remembered about this match is how awful it was, which it is, but not for the reasons I recalled. The work between Taker and Boss Man is actually not that bad. Really. Put this match in any other arena, on any other show, and with ANY other storyline, and it probably would have gone over much better. But with all the handicaps I mentioned above, the crowd just did not give even the slightest fuck about what was going on, and who could blame them? This was the absolute pits as far as Vince Russo's storytelling, where we do things just because no one would expect them, with no regard for how wrestling works or what it'll mean for the resulting match. Taker and Boss Man were left hung (sorry) out to dry here. Luckily for the Dead Man, things would get much better very soon.