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The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. The Giant Gonzalez (w/ Harvey Whippleman) - WrestleMania IX, April 4, 1993

Hoo boy. Okay, so there was this guy named Jorge Gonzalez. Really tall dude. Got signed by Ted Turner to play basketball for the Atlanta Hawks. But when it turned out he couldn't, you know, play basketball, they decided to transfer him to WCW and make him into the next big wrestling star -- "El Gigante." Of course, he couldn't wrestle, either, but why would that stop them? In his entire WCW tenure, he had one decent match, and that was against Ric Flair, who could have a decent match with a loveseat. (And, in a few different ways, Flair probably has. Ba dum bum.)

Vince McMahon, being the wrestling genius he is, saw Gonzalez and said, "This is one of the worst workers I've ever seen. He has no business in this company, and I will not sign him." Oh, wait, no, he "stole" him away from WCW and immediately put him in a program against one of his top stars and set them up in a semi-main event match at WrestleMania. Sigh.

Of course, all this was par for the course for the unmitigated disaster that was WrestleMania IX. First off, we're at an outdoor stadium at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, and the crowd is pretty much dead for big chunks of the show. The best match on the card was the opener, and that was a merely okay contest between Shawn Michaels and Tatanka. The main event saw Yokozuna beat Bret Hart for the WWF title, then immediately lose it to Hulk Hogan, who wasn't even scheduled for a title match, effectively burying Hart immediately after his reign had ended.

And then, of course, this match. Gonzalez doesn't have anything in the way of muscle definition, so they put him in this ridiculous full body suit with muscles painted on that makes him look like Sasquatch. It even has an ass crack painted on the back, because...damned if I know. Taker enters on a chariot with a vulture looming over him, which is a pretty cool visual. By the way, this show is the first WWF appearance of Jim Ross, who like everyone else is dressed to fit the "Caesar's Palace" theme. You have not lived until you've seen Howard Finkel in a toga. Actually, I hope you have.

Tattoo watch: Taker now has both forearms covered. Staredown in the middle of the ring, and wow, who woulda guessed, Gonzalez is tall. He hits Taker with a few forearms, each of which Taker sells before going right back into the staredown. Taker begins firing back, and we get our first look at Gonzalez selling, which looks like he's being shocked by an overzealous cattle prod. Gonzalez responds by grabbing Taker by the throat and pushing him to a corner, where Taker climbs the ropes to get a leverage advantage and responds with a choke of his own. Gonzalez responds with a classic amateur move, the Greco-Roman punch to the balls.

Gonzalez tries to follow up with a double axe handle that could not be more telegraphed if he yelled, "EXCUSE ME, UNDERTAKER, I AM PLANNING ON HITTING YOU WITH A DOUBLE AXE HANDLE HERE IN TWO SECONDS, ONCE AGAIN, A DOUBLE AXE HANDLE IN TWO SECONDS" beforehand. Shockingly, Taker sees it coming and starts hitting blows again, including the WrestleMania debut of the rope walk. It's a challenge for the Taker to mount any offense, because, well, Gonzalez doesn't know how to take any moves. So Taker's left to punch, kick, choke and just try and make it interesting.

Gonzalez hits a big boot and a "running" clothesline to take control. Gonzalez is a challenge on offense, too, because he doesn't actually know how to DO any moves, either, so Taker bumps like Shawn Michaels all over the ring for everything in an effort to keep the match going. A lot of the Dead Man's history sees him being put in matches with talentless lugs who can't work, because Vince is sure the key to drawing with the Undertaker is to put him in matches with guys who are bigger than him. This was wrong. The key to drawing with the Undertaker is HE'S THE GODDAMN UNDERTAKER. Put him in there with guys he can have good matches with and the money will take care of itself.

Gonzalez clamps on a reverse chinlock (weLOVErestHOLDS, clap, clap, clapclapclap) which lasts FOREVER and while the crowd has actually been trying to stay into the match, the boring move kills them deader than Anna Nicole Smith. (... ... ...too soon?) BTW, fun fact for ECW fans -- your referee is the man who calls it right down the middle, Mr. Bill Alphonso. He checks Taker's arm and, shockingly, it stays up on the very first drop, reaching for Paul and the Urn.

Taker fights up and elbows out, then hits the ropes, but Gonzalez tosses him to the floor. Well, okay, that's not quite what happens. It's more like Taker hits the ropes, Gonzalez sidesteps slightly and pantomimes like he's reaching for Taker's head, and Taker dramatically tosses himself to the floor. Gonzalez heads out after him and "beats" on Taker, which Taker continues to sell like he's being hit with Mjolnir. Gonzalez "tosses" him to the steps a few times, as well. We're basically watching Mark Callaway beat himself up, with a tall Argentinian man happening to be standing nearby.

Gonzalez heads back in, but Taker gets up with the help of THE POWER OF THE URN and follows. A Gonzalez headbutt sends him down, but Taker sits right back up. Second verse, same as the first. They start trading blows in the middle of the ring, with Taker gaining the advantage. A barrage of punches and kicks "staggers" Gonzalez, who finally drops to one knee like a guy who has no idea how to look when you get staggered by blows and drop to one knee, and so plays it as broadly as a vaudeville comedian who just got hit with a fake frying pan.

This brings manager Whippleman up to the apron, and as he gets choked by the Taker, he tosses a cloth to Gonzalez...and, holy shit, they're actually doing the ETHER SOAKED RAG gag at WrestleMania. Gonzalez headbutts Paul Bearer then smothers Taker with the rag. Ref calls for the bell but Gonzalez still puts Taker out. Long, long, LONG time passes as officials and medics come out to cart Taker away, and Gonzalez hilariously "menaces" the crowd in the interim, chokeslamming Alphonso (in the best executed move of Gonzalez's career) as well.

As Gonzalez remains in the ring, the crowd chants for Hogan, and I bet THAT was music to Taker's ears as he waited in the back. Finally, Taker returns to a big pop and proceeds to beat up Gonzalez some more, finally putting him down with a flying clothesline, and Gonzalez can't even sell THAT right. Dude, FALL TO YOUR BACK. Not rocket science. Gonzalez retreats and Taker's announced the winner by DQ, the only match in the streak that was not won by pin or submission. Anyway, the match sucked, but it's actually an interesting watch because of Taker's work. One, it proves yet again that he's a company man and, despite some naysayers' protests, he will literally sell for anyone they ask him to sell for. And two, when you see a guy who can't work, like Gonzalez or Great Khali after him, it makes you appreciate how damn good the Taker is for a man his size. Still, really bad. But believe it or not, not the worst match of the streak. Oh, no.