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The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer but w/o the Urn) vs. King Kong Bundy (w/ Ted DiBiase and the Urn) - WrestleMania XI, April 2, 1995


Taker sat out WrestleMania X after ascending into heaven at the Royal Rumble that year. There are two kinds of people reading this right now: Those who think that opening sentence was a joke, and those who know I'm not kidding and are shaking their heads sadly. Anyway, Taker made his comeback in August and is now feuding with Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Team, who, thanks to Bundy, "repossessed" the Urn at the 1995 Royal Rumble. By the way, this was also the Big Ass Urn era for Taker, as when he came back they made Paul carry around a thing the size of a small office trash can that contained a working airport landing light. The more I write, the more you wonder why the hell I love this stuff, don't you?

This was the Lawrence Taylor WrestleMania, as he faced Bam Bam Bigelow in the main event, which is pretty easily the best "celebrity" match ever. We're in Hartford, CT, basically the WWF's backyard. DiBiase brings the Urn to ringside for the match, which I think we can all agree is a really stupid move, considering how the whole idea is that without the Urn, the Taker is "powerless." Bundy is in the middle of his WWF comeback, which would last, hmm, about two months longer after this match was over. Lawler pulls out the old "Bundy won a match at WrestleMania in nine seconds" nonsense, though anyone who has seen the match and has a time code on their video player knows the match runs, like, 22 or so.

We cut to Todd Pettingill (BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE!) interviewing a former Chicago Bear in the front row. This is the era where virtually every WWF PPV had an obsession with celebrity guests, most of whom only served to distract from the product or make the guys we're pushing as "superstars" look like chumps in comparison. Glad they learned their lesson and never relied on celebrity appearances so heavily again, like, say, letting a different celeb guest host Raw every week for a year. That'd just be idiotic.

This is the first Mania where they shut the lights off for Taker's entrance, accompanied by the prerequisite thunder and lightning. Outfit update: Taker has traded the grey trim on his attire for purple. The somber and awesome mood set by the Taker's entrance is undercut by the announcers pointing out the referee, an MLB umpire who's working Mania because there was a lockout at the time. Um, guys? I'm just guessing here, but I bet people didn't pay $34.95 to watch you interview ex-football players and spotlight out-of-work umps. What say we do some wrestling, huh?

Underscoring how important the Urn is in storyline, DiBiase absentmindedly drops it in the ring. Meanwhile, showing he goes to the Jeffy McG School of Cardiovascular Training, Bundy is sweating buckets before the match even begins. He charges Taker in the corner, which Taker easily sidesteps. Taker going right to work on offense, but since Bundy is so huge, he again is stuck not being able to do many of his usual power moves. So, a-punching and a-kicking we go. Bundy was actually a pretty good worker for his size, and back in the day he could move amazingly well, but we're at the tail end of his career here and his working boots get left in the locker room more often than not.

Rope walk by the Taker hits, followed by a few clotheslines, but the big man won't go down. The crowd is almost eerily silent. Tattoo Update: Taker's right arm is now pretty much covered by a sleeve's worth of ink. A big clothesline finally drops Bundy, and Taker starts stalking DiBiase on the floor. Bundy clotheslines Taker out and he lands on his feet...right by Ted. Taker snatches the Urn from him like, "Meh, no big deal," and hands it back to Paul like, "Here, bee-otch," and Paul's all, "Yippee, I have to lug this heavy piece of crap through customs again!" Gee, that's one hell of an anti-climax to the angle. Well, at least it's over, right? Ahem.

Taker heads back in to beat on Bundy while DiBiase is in the aisle, calling for backup. And here it comes, in the form of Kama, the "Supreme Fighting Machine," played by Charles "Papa Shango/Kama Mustafa/The Godfather/The Goodfather/more gimmicks than even Ed Leslie" Wright. Kama confronts Paul Bearer and asks politely if he can have the Urn back. Now, granted, he asks politely by kicking him in the gut and stealing it, but hey, in the world of wrestling that's about as polite as you're gonna get.

Taker reaches from the ring to try and stop this lame-o angle from continuing, but Bundy attacks from behind to break it up. Nice try anyway, Mark. DiBiase tells Kama to get out of here and take this lousy oversized ash recepticle with him. Which again begs the question -- why the hell did you bother to bring it in the first place, rich dude? Anyhoo, we cut to Kama in the aisle being interviewed by Jim Ross, who asks maybe the single dumbest question of his broadcast career: "Why do you have the Urn?" Kama responds that he's gonna melt it down and wear it as a chain around his neck, which, SPOILER ALERT, he did. Uh, maybe that shoulda been a surprise, guys.

Back to the match, such as it is, as Bundy hits a sloppy clothesline to stagger the Taker, then another one to send him to the floor again. Bundy continues to slowly dominate as the crowd continues to sit on their hands. Paul tries to get the crowd to start a pro-Taker chant: "Rest in Peace." Yes, really. Bundy slams Taker and drops a knee for two. Bundy decides, "Whoa, Nelly, if we keep this pace up we're gonna burn out this red-hot crowd, better slow things down with a resthold." Thus, it's rear chinlock time! Whoo-hoo!

Paul again starts the "Rest in Peace" chant on the floor, coming across more like a pale, obese cheerleader than a creature of the night, but whatever, more power to him for trying to get folks into this match. It's as useless as trying to find a Kardashian without a sex tape, but the thought is there. After, like, TWO MINUTES of sitting on the mat, Taker finally begins to stir and gets out of the hold. Bundy ignores the mini-comeback, whips Taker to the corner and hits him with the Avalanche. Taker slumps down...for a couple seconds, then flips the hair back, rolls the eyes and stands straight up. I do believe it is time for clobberin'.

Bundy charges in and eats a boot. Taker slams Bundy in an impressive feat of strength, then finally hits a flying clothesline for the pin. Yep, Bundy's so big and immobile we had to go to, like, Taker's fourth string finishing move. And ref-slash-ump (refump?) Larry Young's pin count is so quiet it's a wonder the fans knew that Taker won. The match was little more than a backdrop to a really silly storyline, and when the action actually did take center stage, boy howdy did it suck. Even the Gonzalez match the previous year had more crowd heat. Things would get better for the Dead Man. Eventually.